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December 2015

Escape.

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Lately I’ve had this urge to drop everything and leave. Ignore all the responsibilities, avoid all the problems and just leave. Where? I don’t know, but somewhere far. Somewhere where I don’t feel so broken by everything that happens around me. Somewhere where people don’t affect me as much as they do here. Somewhere far and somewhere quiet where all the responsibilities and the obligations take the back seat and its just me and my thoughts. To run away from everything and never return. To turn my face towards the sun and walk away from all that I have and never look back. To start afresh in a place which is just mine, no parents, no obligations, no expectations to live up to.
I want to get out of this place where nothing and everything happens at the same time. I want to get away from this place and go somewhere where I can breathe, where the air feels light and not heavy in my chest. Where the roads lead me to places I have never seen before, making me falll in love with them. I want to be as far away from this place as possible. Place where no one knows my name and I don’t have to tell them who I am or where I am from. Place where I don’t have to look back at what i did but what i want to do and what i want to be. I need to quit this toxic place and go somewhere where there are no targedies moreover where i am no longer a tragedy. I believe that there is a place for me just like this far away from here. I believe that I’ll reach there someday. I believe that that place is meant for me and this is not it. I don’t belong here. I never belonged here. I hope I find it soon. Moreover, I hope it finds me before I give in.

The wall.

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We often forget how broken this world truly is. How every human being walking has pain in his heart and blisters all over his body. How every human touch turns into a scar, each moment turns into a memory and each dream into a nightmare. There is a lot of suffering that goes on around in this world. No matter how happy we are there is some pain that never goes away. Some longings, some hurt that stays put. You are incessantly trying to make that hurt go away. The constant peril of making things right, which eventually leaves you exhausted. Each time you try to come home, the path leaves you somewhere unknown. If you look deep down you’ll understand that the locus of this heartache lies within you. But so does the locus of all the joy, the joy that you think is external, it is all in you.
Us human beings have the tendency to mistake vulnerability as weakness, tenderness as pitiable. So we build walls and hold up our shields high to protect whatever that is left in us. 
What you need to understand is that it is important to hold up your shields up but you should also know when to put it down and embrace what is in front of you. Love yourself closely because the locus of that joy is you and at the end of the day you only have you. You are not the damsel in distress who needs a knight in the shining armour. You are the knight.
You need to hold dear the courage in your heart, know that you are strong to fight whatever comes your way, know that even if it’s difficult you at least need to try because the flicker is always as important as the flame.

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